I'm not gonna crack
by amz1e
Summary: Light returns after work, apparently having forgotten his jacket. L knows that Light has regained his memories of being Kira, so why is Light still pretending? And why does L still have left-over feelings for him? dark LxLight. This is kind of a songfic *winces* Lithium by Nirvana


Hi! this was written in private study time after end of year exams this week J Now that the exams are over I've finally had time to type it up :D

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L sat on the bed with knees hugged to his chest, idly staring into space. He felt detached, had done since Higuchi had been killed, murdered by Kira. Murdered by Light.

With limbs leaden from fatigue, L dragged himself down to the main investigation room, not because he could think any better there, but because it held the coffee machine, and, at that moment he felt in need of a caffeine boost. His mind may have been fuzzy, but it was still capable of reasoning. He knew Light was Kira, had seen that change when he had touched the notebook. L knew of Light's plans for his death, he just couldn't think of a way to stop Light's scenario from playing out. L just went with it, letting it happen and just hoping, _hoping_, that at the end there would be a loophole, a way out_, hoping_ that Light would not let him die.

But ultimately, if this ended with L's death, although Light would've have won, eventually something would go wrong - the notebook would be lost, Light would die. Kira couldn't live forever. Real justice could and did.

Before Light had touched the notebook in the helicopter, before Higuchi died, they'd become close. They were friends, good friends, maybe more, despite or perhaps because of the chain that joined them.

But when Light touched the notebook, L had watched as his friend's face closed off, his eyes sharpening and losing their innocence. L had been half expecting it, had known it would happen, had been convinced that Light was Kira from the start. L had always liked to believe that he was walking a few steps in front of Kira, able to predict his next move accurately, but now it seemed that Light had run off into the distance, taking L's heart with him. Just how far ahead had Light planned this? From the moment they met? Before then? L knew he had let his guard down, always believing he had the upper hand. Light was the clear winner in this game, and the forfeit was L's life.

...

Presently, L reached the coffee machine. Someone had forgotten to turn off the radio, which was playing a song that he vaguely recognised. It was from a Nirvana album he'd been given when he was younger, back when he'd still received Christmas presents. Unable to summon the energy to move to turn it off, L huddled miserably in his chair and sipped his over-sweetened drink.

_I'm so lonely,_

_'cos today I shaved my head_

_but I'm not sad_

L smiled slightly into the mug, remembering listening to this song in particular. It seemed like years ago. It had been years ago. Where had the time gone?

Having finished his coffee he turned his attention to the computer, not really sure what he was doing, checking his ever-empty email and staring off into space.

Sighing, L was about to go back upstairs to sleep when the door swung open to reveal Light. Kira.

The young man's unfamiliar smirk burned into his skull and caused an ache in his chest, but L kept his face blank, devoid of emotion and stared straight back, directly into Light's eyes. They were a melting chocolate brown that made him want to... This was Kira. Kira! He had to get a grip.

"I forgot my coat" offered Light in a silken voice which shattered L's thoughts into a million tiny shards. And there was Light's coat, hanging innocently on the back of a chair. L was sure it hadn't been there before, but it didn't really matter. Whether the coat had always been there or not, L doubted this was the real reason Light had come.

Contemplating what Light could want, L could still hear the music in the background, somehow soothing him, despite the melancholy tone of the song.

Suddenly, Light was next to him, softly caressing his hair, same as he had that day, the day before Light had remembered just _who_ he was. L hadn't minded then, had looked up into Lights face and smiled, opening his heart to an outsider for the first time in a long time. But that was then and this was now. This was Kira stroking his hair, Kira, the man who had killed millions in the name of justice.

"I'm sorry Ryuuzaki." Light's voice whispered into L's hair, full of regret. Then Light's soft, soft lips brushed L's. Heat rose in his face and he fought it down, beat it down. He refused to move, refused to react. The sweet embrace only served to remind L who this was, and he watched Light pull away, unable to hide a Kira-esq smirk. L fought with his emotions. This was Kira. The need to lean in, to wrap his arms around Light's neck was quashed by his iron will, and his face stayed impassive, unmoving.

A silence stretched between them, reminding L of what he had lost, and the radio provided a soundtrack to his slowly breaking heart.

_I like it_

_I'm not gonna crack_

As if offended by L's reaction, or lack of one, Light allowed L his personal space once more, and elegantly seated himself on a chair opposite him.

L missed Light. Missed the Light who was passionate about stopping Kira, not realising the irony. He missed the Light who would lash out in anger when L even suggested that he might be Kira, temporarily forgetting the chain which stretched between them, which meant when one fell, so did the other. He missed the Light who would fervently apologise, only moments later. He missed Light, and yet, there sat Light, directly in front of him.

_I miss you_

_I'm not gonna crack_

L studied Light's countenance, noting the oh-so-slight downturn of his mouth and the absence of light in his eyes, as if the so-called 'God of the New World' could reflect only on darkness. Not many people would see them, those minor changes in Light's expression. Maybe L was the only one. Maybe not.

_I love you_

_I'm not gonna crack_

At that moment, he wished that Light was someone else, someone who wouldn't try to kill off all of the evil people in the world when presented with such a weapon. But then, if Light that other person, he wouldn't be the same, wouldn't be Light. It was as if complete devotion to justice was an ingrained part of his warped personality.

**"I'll kill you"**

_I'm not gonna crack_

Light spoke over the quiet hum of the radio.

Not a threat but a promise.

He rose from his seat and marched smartly out of the room. He didn't see L shiver, didn't see the hand that rose to still shaking lips, didn't see the single tear track slowly down L's blank face.

And if he had seen, who's to say it would have changed anything?

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_Hope you liked it. I'm not sure I'm so good at writing dark angsty stuff._

_reviews please?_


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